I come from an Italian background. Both my parents were born in Italy.
When I was growing up we didn’t say the words “I love you.” It wasn’t normal in our family to do that. This wasn’t good or bad, right or wrong, it’s just the way it was. We just didn’t say those words and express ourselves verbally. We expressed ourselves in other ways that were non-verbal.
- Image by Creativity+ Timothy K Hamilton via Flickr
My dad and I used to have these conversations. And in these conversations my dad thought he was right and I thought I was right. We both thought we were right.
You see, this was a real big problem. Here you have two grown men who think they’re both right, which means nobody is listening.
When I played hockey when I was younger I heard my dad point out all the mistakes I made. I always heard the corrections I could have made, but I never heard him say how great I was doing or how proud he was of me.
It doesn’t mean he didn’t say those things, I just never listened to him that way.
In March 2006 I participated in the Landmark Forum. It’s a Saturday and I phone my dad. I’m at the course and I’m really nervous to speak with him. I was scared. So I get on the phone and my mom answers:
Mom: “Hi Steve, how are you?”
Steve: “Oh, hey mom. (huge relief ) I was calling to speak with dad, but I guess he isn’t around.”
Dad: (on another line) “Hey Steve, it’s your dad. What’s up?”
Steve: (sweating like crazy) “Oh, hey dad. Well, there is something I wanted to tell you
… (long pause) …
Steve: I just realized that it must have been really tough for you and mom to raise me when you were young. I mean, you were in your early 20’s and you had so much responsibility. It must have been hard. I just wanted to tell you that you did a great job raising me and that I’m responsible for raising myself from now on. I also wanted to let you know that I care for you and that I love you very much.”
Dad: “Well, your mom and I want you to know that we are really proud of you and your brother.”
That one statement “I’m proud of you,” totally changed me. It was the first time I heard him say those words.
Why am I telling you this?
You see, my dad and I have an amazing relationship today; we really do. And I’m so happy and grateful that he is a part of my life because I wouldn’t be where I am today without him. It doesn’t matter who’s right anymore. What really matters is that I got my dad back.
Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Steve of Freedom Education.
Steve is a Life Coach and the creator of Freedom Education – Mind Power for Your Personal Growth. He is also the author of the ebook, The Genius Within YOU. You can download his ebook here.
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I wanted to share that I expanded on the topic of choosing happiness over being right on the GoalTribe blog, including exceptions to the rule and the most effective way to disagree if it is necessary.
http://www.goaltribe.com/blog/2009/would-you-rather-be-right-or-be-happy/
I appreciate your story because I can relate – a lot! I have come to understand though my own situation with my Dad that our roles as young children/parent and grown children/parent are really different. Kids are learning at the speed of light (how to be a person) and parents are most often sort of stuck in survival mode (paying heating bills, getting to little-legue games, affording healthy groceries on a budget and and getting promoted at work)that at time when they should “relate” verbally/phicically – they don’t because of stressors…or if they do it’s a missed connection. I do not remember my own Dad saying the words “I love you” until until one day when I was in tears at a hospital because my 5 year old son landed in intensive care…and he even finished the sentence with “everything will be ok”. I had never heard him say that either. BUt it got the wheels turning! Later, when our crisis was over (my son is ok) our short verbal exchange, that day, in the hospital got me thinking – what else had I missed? Now my Dad and I are closer too – not sure we’ll ever be as close as I’d choose, but I am very thankfull he could open up that day!