“Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence.” - Eric Fromm

The recent death of my Auntie Kerry put me in a state of mind that I think we all go through at different times in our lives: the feeling of utter isolation, of complete loneliness.

There are times when we feel that even if we are surrounded by other people in our lives, we are alone. We must go through this difficult journey called life by ourselves, no matter if we’re married or if we have children or close friends. And that’s a very lonesome prospect.

How do we overcome these feelings of loneliness and despair? While common, these feelings can be dangerous if we let them go too far — they can lead to depression, suicidal thoughts, or just a slump in our lives.

The answer is in connecting with other human beings.

When we connect with other humans, we are no longer alone. We share our suffering, our experiences, our common trials. The misery we face is no longer insurmountable when we have someone to face it with us.

But making that leap from being alone to making a connection can be a difficult one. One reader who contacted me recently, for example, has a form of social anxiety that stops him from talking to people in social situations. That’s a tough obstacle to overcome, but it can be done.

While I’m not an expert in social anxiety or in relationships, I have overcome my share of social anxiety, overcome my share of depression, and found ways to forge human connections in my years as a son, brother, husband, father, co-worker, boss and friend.

Here are some tips for connecting with humanity when you’re feeling alone:

1. Do some kind of activity with others. If you don’t immediately have someone to connect with — such as a spouse, kids, or other close family or friends — make an effort to get out of your house and to meet up with others. If you’re afraid of meeting strangers, it helps to find places where you’re comfortable — for example, in a college class, for some people, at a bar you’re familiar with, for others. But failing that, try some kind of group activity — a reading group, a running group, a support group, a volunteer group. The activity greases the social wheels.
2. Ask for a hug. If you do have easy access to a loved one, don’t be afraid to ask for a hug — it’s one of the best medicines. That might sound corny, but it’s true. Human contact is something we all need, especially in times of need, and it is a very good way to connect with others.
3. Visit family and friends. If you have loved ones you don’t see every day, get out of your house and go visit them. Just being in their presence, making the effort to connect with them, that’ll go a long way to making human connections. Talk with them, share, bond. When my Auntie Kerry died, my family here on Guam immediately got together, and just being in each other’s company in such a time not only brought us closer together, and gave us that release of emotions we needed, but made us feel better during our time of grief.
4. Nix the TV and movies. Many times people spend time together watching TV and movies. While that’s OK some of the time, it isn’t the best way to connect with others. The problem with such passive entertainment is that it separates us, even if we’re close together. We end up not talking, but watching. Instead, play sports, play a board game, have coffee or tea, have a picnic — anything that you do together, where you can talk and connect, is a good thing.
5. Find commonalities. If you don’t have easy access to loved ones, and need to make new friends and connect with new people, it’s best to start by trying to find common ground. What shared interests do you have? Have you lived in the same place, gone to the same school, worked in the same place? Do you have similar hobbies or passions? When you find that common ground, you can connect.
6. Open up. Once you’ve found common ground, and gotten comfortable with a person, don’t be afraid to open up a little. Of course, you don’t pour out all of your innermost secrets the first time you meet someone — it has to be a gradual opening up. But if you never open up, you will never make a real, deep connection. It’ll just be something on the surface. It’s when people share something real, and personal, that these real connections are made.
7. Practice, and get comfortable. Often we are shy or socially anxious when we are in uncomfortable situations. The remedy for this is to get comfortable, and the only way to do that is to keep doing it, keep practicing, until you’re better at it. The more you do it, the more comfortable you’ll get.
8. Do it in small doses. If the above tip sounds like too much for you — you have a hard time even contemplating practicing social situations until you’re comfortable — then it’s best to do it in small doses. Start with somewhere you’re fairly comfortable, and just try talking to someone you know a little. Then try someone you don’t know, but in a comfortable situation. Do it one dose at a time, celebrate your success, and then give it another try on another day. You don’t have to make huge connections all at once.
9. Groom yourself. This might sound obvious, but it’s amazing how big of a difference this can make. First, being well-groomed makes a good impression on others you don’t know well, and helps them to react more positively to you. But second, and more importantly, being well-groomed helps you to be more confident with yourself, and that makes all the difference in the world.
10. Learn to be a good listener. A very important point, but it’s incredible how many people ignore this fundamental skill. I’ve talked to so many people who I can tell are really good people, but who I tire of talking to simply because they don’t seem to hear anything I say. I listen to them, but they don’t return the favor, and as a result, it’s a one-sided conversation. No one likes that kind of conversation (except the person doing all the talking). If you want to make a connection with another person, you have to begin by listening. Learn to ask questions to gt the other person talking about herself — that’s everyone’s favorite subject. And when they do start talking, learn to actually listen. Don’t just stare with a blank look, and think about what you want to talk about. Hear what they’re saying, respond with appropriate words and sounds and facial expressions, ask follow up questions. If you can learn to listen, you’ll go a long way in making connections with anyone.
11. Help those in need. Aside from just meeting new people, another great way to connect with other human beings is to help them when they need help. Volunteering to help the homeless and the hungry, for example, is a great way to meet new people, to do something positive, to make a difference in the lives of others, and to connect with people in ways that just aren’t otherwise possible.
12. Find ways to express your love. Whether you’re connecting with loved ones, with new people, or with those in need … the ultimate connection is always through love. And the way to make this kind of connection is by first expressing your love — without expecting it to be returned — in any way you can. How can you express your love? That’s up to you — you have to find ways that are appropriate to the situation, the relationship, and to you as a person — but some ideas: hugs, an affectionate smile, a nice letter, doing something considerate for the person, just spending time with them, telling them you love them, listing the reasons you love them … I’m sure you can think of many more.

On a related note: thank you to everyone on this blog who has comforted me during my time of grieving over my family, through your kind words, through sharing your stories of loss and suffering, through sharing my pain, through your prayers and wishes and thoughts and positive energy. You’ve shown me, in a thousand ways, that connections can be made over great distances, between relative strangers, in a way that really does make a lasting difference on your life. So thank you, thank you.

“Love one another and you will be happy. It’s as simple and as difficult as that.” - Michael Leunig

Another Great Post from Zen Habits

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Do you have a definition of success?
I’ve taught hundreds of students for over five years. Every time I ask this simple question: “Who wants to be successful?” every single person raises his hand. At this point, I actually have inverted the question to simply be, “who does NOT want to be successful.” Just to verify that not a single person will raise their hand. Obviously, it is unanimous, EVERYONE WANTS TO BE SUCCESSFUL. This of course is where the “fun” begins…

Then, I ask them to define success. Can you say dear in the headlights… pretty much a room full of blank stares. The students kind of squirm in their seats, perhaps a little concerned I might pin them down and actually ask them for their definition.

Wild isn’t it? Throughout the years, I’ve discovered that only about 3% of my students actually have a working definition of success.

You may have noticed this too? Everyone wants to be successful, yet, how many have defined it?

There seems to be lots of people searching high and low for “answers”- for “shortcuts” to this elusive “success.” You’ve seen the headlines and the advertisements, no doubt:

“Be Outrageously Happy in Three Easy Steps”
“Seven Secrets to Riches”
“Be the Success You’ve Always Dreamed Of”

The crazy thing is . . . if you ask them what “success” truly is they – just like 97 percent of my students — would probably be at a loss for words.

Try it sometime. Ask someone to define “success” for you. You’ll probably be received with a blank stare. If not, you’ll get some vague definition that sounds something like:

“Success is waking up with a smile on my face.”
“Success is knowing that someone loves me.”

Now, this brings me to the question of the day: How in the world can YOU hit a target when YOU can’t see it . . . or worse yet, does not even exist?

Creating your personal definition of success

Welcome to Exercise #1. You guessed it! Time for you to write out your definition of success!

Think about it. It seems only logical that the first step to success is to at least to resolve in your mind what exactly success is. What it ought to look and feel like! You must first have a definition for it if you plan to attain it!

Ideally, your definition of success should be no longer than two or three sentences. In fact, the shorter the definition, the better. One time I asked a person to give me his personal definition of success. He gave me a description a mile long. “Success,” he said, “is when I’m happy, my dog is fed and when my girlfriend is happy and we have a lot of money and no financial worries.”
what!? - why not just add when the cat is sleeping and the baby isn’t crying!

I could probably fill several posts here on success theory alone. However, for now, what is most important is to identify an acceptable definition - one that has stood the test of time. Here, humbly submitted for your consideration is the one I teach in every class…

SUCCESS = CREATING YOUR IDEAL FUTURE.

Be sure to leave comments and share your thoughts. Really looking forward to some quality success definitions posted here. Let’s see it!

cheers!

~ Mitch W. Steel of Success.org

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I was sitting here at my computer, pondering whether I wanted to write a post with tips about “making 2009 your best year ever”. It’s been done, and most of my tips you’ve already read before on Cheerfulliving.

I made a small list of things I’d recommend to anyone wanting to make 2009 their best year ever … coming up with a single life-changing goal, creating a mantra for that goal to keep them on track, simplifying their lives, making time for loved ones and themselves, learning to be in the moment … all of these are great tips, and I could come up with a dozen more that would really help people if they wanted to make positive changes.

But then I realized that there’s just one tip that’s needed. And it’s not a tip you’ll read in most personal development, productivity or self-help blogs or books.

That’s because if you implemented this one tip, you wouldn’t really need any others. It would put all of us out of business.

So, because I enjoy writing personal development posts and books for you guys, I’m counting on you to NOT actually implement this, and to keep needing other tips I give you in the future.

Kidding of course! Go ahead, put me and all the rest of ‘em out of business. I’d rather have you happy and successful, and look for another job, knowing that I did something good.

So what’s that single secret, the one thing that will not only make 2009 your best year ever, but put personal development and self-help bloggers and authors out of business?

Are you sure you’re ready to hear it?

OK, you’re ready. Here goes:

Stop waiting for happiness. Happiness is right here, right now.

Sounds too simple, but if you haven’t realized this, and put it into action, it can have an amazing effect on your life. Today. Right now.

My Life of Waiting

When I was young, I couldn’t wait to become an adult. Oh, the freedom! Becoming an adult would bring me happiness. I couldn’t wait.

When I became an adult, I couldn’t wait to get a good job. That would surely bring happiness. I couldn’t wait. When I got a good job, I couldn’t wait to get a raise. When I got a raise, I couldn’t wait to get married. When I got married, I couldn’t wait to buy a nicer car. Got the car, then I couldn’t wait to buy a house.

When I bought the house, I couldn’t wait to … get out of debt.

I could go on for quite awhile, but you get the point. None of my desires ever produced happiness, because I was stuck in the mindset of wanting more. When I got what I wanted, I wanted something else. My happiness was always on hold, because I was waiting to reach a goal.

Waiting for happiness.

On Goals and Desires

It’s good to have goals. I have them — it’s a part of living and working. But how much are you investing in your goals? How much of your happiness is based on your goals?

It’s also natural to have desires, but if your life is a series of desires, one after the other, and everything in you is in pursuit of those desires, you will always be striving for happiness, waiting for it.

Instead, remember: Stop waiting for happiness. Happiness is right here, right now.

Feel free to pursue goals, and desires … but don’t make your happiness dependent on them. Don’t think of happiness as something you’ll have once X happens (whatever X is right now for you).

Life is a Journey - Enjoy It!

So how do you go for goals and still have happiness right here, right now? By remembering that the important thing isn’t the destination … it’s the journey!

Remember that, always: the journey is the most important thing. Not the goal. Not the ending point.

Think about it: if you are only happy once you reach a goal, what about all the time you spend getting to the goal? That’s much more of your life than actually being at the goal. If you’re only happy when you’re at the destination, you’ll be unhappy most of the time.

What’s more, if you are stuck in that mindset, when you reach your destination, you won’t actually be happy — you’ll be looking toward your next destination.

Instead, remember: Stop waiting for happiness. Happiness is right here, right now.

How do you enjoy the journey? By appreciating life in its fullness, its wonderfulness. By not looking so much toward the future, but focusing on the present moment, right here, right now. By looking around you, and realizing that everything you need for happiness is already here!

Everything You Need for Happiness

What do you need to be happy? Do you need a fancy car and a mansion and millions of dollars? If you could have every single desire granted to you right now, would you be happy then?

Or can you be happy now, with what you have?

Can you look at the gorgeous sky, and realize what a miracle it is? Can you look at a sunset, a forest, a flower, a child, and realize the miracle of each of these things? You probably can, if you take the time to look at them fully.

And then you might realize that your eyes are a miracle, and that they allow you to see each of these other miracles. If you have your eyes, you have all you need for happiness.

What if you are blind? Can you taste chocolate, or strawberries, or cinnamon, or tears, and realize what a miracle those things are? Can you hear Mozart, or John Lennon, or Jack Johnson, and have your soul fill up with happiness? Then you already have all you need for happiness.

All you need is the present moment: spend time with a loved one, talk with a friend, watch a funny movie, go swimming in refreshing water, smell fresh baked bread, go for a walk or a run, curl up with a good book, cuddle on a rainy day, give and receive a hug.

It’s true — this is the only thing you need to know: Stop waiting for happiness. Happiness is right here, right now.

But … What About My Goals?

Should you give up your goals for 2009, now that you’ve decided to be happy now? Nah. Go ahead and pursue those goals, but remember to enjoy the journey. Consider:

• Losing weight. Will you only be happy after you’ve lost weight and are slim and trim? When you have the perfect body? Screw that! Make it an enjoyable journey — exercise can be a lot of fun! Eating clean, healthy food can also be incredible, once you learn to enjoy it! Enjoy the journey to health and the great body will only be a side benefit.
• Getting productive. Do you have a desire to crank through your to-do list, stop procrastinating, and knock down your projects, one after the other? Well, that’s good, but realize that your to-do list will never ever be completed, nor will your project list. They’re never ending, and in fact they’re supposed to be that way. So you’ll never reach a destination here — all you have is the journey! Learn to enjoy your work - every minute of it — and productivity will come naturally.
• Learning a new skill. Whether you want to learn French, or to play the trombone, or to master Jeet Kune Do, will you only be happy once you’ve learned the skill? No! Learn to love the learning process! It’s an exploration not only of new territory, but of yourself. It’s wonderful.
• Simplifying. Do you want to get rid of clutter? Will you be happy only when you’ve gotten rid of all excess things? No! Enjoy the process of decluttering — it’s one of my favorite pasttimes! Imagine that I’m there next to you, enjoining you to “TOSS IT!” with a wildly cheerful voice.
• Writing a book. Do you want to write the Great American Novel? Don’t wait until you’re done to enjoy the book … love each moment you can spend writing. It’s a miracle.

What are you waiting for before you become happy? Can you find happiness right now, in this moment? Let us know in the comments!

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Tomorrow evening, like billions of people around the world, my wife and I will be celebrating the coming new year. Some people celebrate this by having a big New Year’s Eve bash at their home. Others go out to various parties, enjoying the celebrations put on by others. Still others spend the evening quietly at home with their family - or with themselves.

We tend toward the first option. This year, we’re having a small New Year’s event at our own home, but we wanted to keep costs down. Here’s how we’ll be celebrating.

First, we kept our invitation list pretty short. Instead of throwing open the doors and inviting everyone we know, we were very selective in our invitations. We don’t expect a large crowd even if everyone we invited were to show up.

Because our invitation list is short, this means we don’t have a large budget for refreshments or entertainment. Our foods and other party materials will come quite inexpensively, even if we go for high-quality items. Most likely, because of the number of attendees, we’ll make most of our own treats from scratch, further reducing the costs.

Second, in order to keep the intimate gathering from being boring, we chose people that we knew had several overlapping interests. Virtually everyone who is invited immensely enjoys playing Guitar Hero, actually, and only one person has a skill level that’s far out of the range of the others.

This creates a ready-made form of entertainment. When everyone arrives, we just pull out the game and organize a fair rotating basis that allows everyone to play every fifteen minutes or so.

Aside from that, almost everyone invited is also at least somewhat skilled at a musical instrument (yes, these people recognize that Guitar Hero is a fun game but a distinctly different activity than playing an actual instrument). So we encouraged people to bring their own musical instruments to our event so that they could jam together.

In short, much of our entertainment is taken care of and the people invited will naturally fit right into the group - with almost no cost.

Finally, we requested that each guest bring a bottle or two of wine. This saves us the cost of providing much of the beverages. We will have some other beverages on hand, of course, but the biggest expense would have easily been several bottles of wine for our guests.

We also plan on making simple foods that are easy to serve yourself. A large batch of chili? Check. An assortment of “serve-yourself” finger foods? Check. We’ll just rotate the finger foods regularly to keep them fresh.

A basic chili recipe is quite simple - all you really need are plenty of beans, chili powder, some onion, and some meat, along with “fixings” (crackers, cheese, etc.). For the finger foods, we plan on utilizing several of our usual Christmas gifts - we almost always wind up with some summer sausage, some cheeses, some crackers, and the like, so this is a great time to share and use these items.

The end result? A pleasant gathering of people with similar interests to celebrate the new year that will only cost the hosts a few dollars in expense. A frugal way to ring in the new year, indeed.

Courtesy The Simple Dollar

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No matter what is happening around us, we do not have to react impulsively, but can learn to respond. Giving into automatic negative reactions can become addictive and it’s important to learn how to diffuse them. The steps offered here are simple, but powerful. The more we practice them the stronger we become.

Tapping Into Our Fundamental Strength

In Zen we say, “Open the treasure house within.” This reminds us that we are all endowed with many resources that we’re not aware of, and do not use in our lives. In order to access these innate abilities, we must stop blaming and leaning on others, and turn within. As soon as we start to look within, to take responsibility for how we respond to events, we begin to tap into our fundamental strength.

Pay Attention

We are what we think about. It is easy to become fixated on a negative situation and become in the grip of self-centered thoughts. The more we give attention to that which is negative, the more strength it has to rule our lives. This can be counteracted rather easily. Take charge of your focus and attention. The power of focus is the power of life.

Spend time each day developing focus and concentration. This is also called meditation. Withdraw yourself from the external world for a period of time each day, and place your attention within. Sit with a straight back, do not move and concentrate upon your breath. Let random thoughts come and go. Do not suppress them, but do not let them grab your attention away. Count your breath from one to ten, then all over again. Do this for at least ten to fifteen minutes without moving. By not moving we are stopping what is called the monkey mind.

Stop The Monkey Mind

The monkey mind is the mind that jumps from one thing to the next, fears, demands, grabs and sabotages our lives. But when we take charge of our focus, we still and dissolve the monkey mind, and we also discover a place within which we can always return, for wisdom, strength and comfort. When we allow the external world to consume us, we are simply giving our natural treasures away.

Take Charge Of Focus

Reality continually renews and confronts us with new tasks, challenges, opportunities and solutions, day after day. Are we in touch with this ever flowing reality? Usually we focus upon what is missing, what we lack and what hasn’t worked out as we hoped it would. We do not focus upon what is available now, the gifts we are receiving and what we can give to others. It is a simple matter to turn this around.

As we take charge of our focus we dwell upon our strengths and the strengths of others, not the weaknesses. We find what is healthy and encourage that to grow. Rather than struggle to analyze and undo our patterns, we work directly with our focus. The question before us always is: What am I focusing on this moment? Am I available to what is going on, or lost somewhere in a dream? By taking our attention off our toxic inner dialogue, and focusing upon what is going on now we interfere with the negative thoughts that are causing our suffering. However, when our focus and life are primarily self-absorbed, we live in a prison without bars. Any insult, real or imagined, can become the cause of great pain, resulting in withdrawal and retreat into fantasies.

As we choose to focus on all that we are receiving, what others need, what we can give, at a certain moment we become aware that our state of mind has become calm, balanced and positive. There’s nowhere for upset to take hold. Beyond that, as we learn to do each action with full attention, we do not dwell upon the outcome. Our joy and satisfaction comes from acting with a whole heart and mind. And, of course, when we are not absorbed by concern for outcomes, how much anxiety can we ever have?

Discover wonderful teachings and tools to heal your life in Jewish Dharma (Guide to the Practice of Judaism and Zen), http://www.jewishdharma.com., Psychologist, speaker, award winning author combines East and West. Contact at topspeaker@yahoo.com, http://www.brendashoshanna.com., (212) 288-0028.

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Ten steps to better understand the zen spirit, and their equivalent for the potter.
Steps for the zen:

1. You decide to look for your favourite cow that is out in your fields. You learn tracking techniques to look for your favourite cow.
2. You search the fields and find the cow’s footprints. You know the cow is nearby.
3. You look around the area see your favourite cow in the distance.
4. You are able to catch your cow but the cow is wild from living in the fields.
5. You spend time with your favourite cow and train it so that it will obey your commands.
6. You ride your tamed cow back home from the field.? You are two beings who have become one and understand each other. There is a strong bond between you.
7. You release your cow from his halter. You busy yourself with other chores but the cow stays close to you and the farmhouse.
8. The cow stays near the farmhouse but understands freedom again and does not follow you in body or thought.
9. You and the cow now think individually and are both free of your bonds to each other. You interact very naturally and live as equals with one another.
10. You become everything and nothing.

Steps for the potter:

1. You realize that ceramic objects are enjoyable.
2. You begin to study ceramic shapes, history and uses.
3. You decide that you want to add ceramics to your life, maybe as a hobby or by becoming an apprentice.
4. You become a craftsman. You have knowledge of clay, forming, glazing, firing and kiln construction. You are capable of producing pottery.
5. You know how to use ceramics to live life more beautifully. You strive for beauty and grace in your work and share this with others.
6. Ceramics becomes your life. You need to express your ideas, thoughts and messages through ceramic art. You display these thoughts and messages through ceramic exhibits and shows.
7. Ceramics has now led to an interest in other areas such as gardening, cooking, painting, music and history. The pursuit of all knowledge becomes equal and ceramics no longer holds centre stage.
8. You loose your connection to ceramics and submerge yourself in the natural would, trying to live serenely and peacefully with the plants and animals around you.
9. You become part of the natural world and know that you are equal with all other living things. You loose your individuality and like the rabbit that feeds the hungry hawk, you would also give your life for another creature.
10. You become nothing and everything.

Courtesy MiharuArts

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“The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak.” — Hans Hoffman

Our life is frittered away by detail. Simplify, simplify.” — Henry David Thoreau

For today’s knowledge workers, every distraction is a drain on productivity and sanity. Every ringing phone, instant message, flashing email reminder, pile of papers, cluttered sticky notes and phone messages and knick knacks and memo posted on the wall — each of these things slows you down, wastes your time and energy, and stresses you out.

To achieve calm, and simple productivity, create a Zen-like working environment.

Imagine for a minute that your desk is completely clear, except your computer monitor, keyboard and mouse, your inbox and phone, and perhaps a framed photo of a loved one. Imagine the walls around you are free of visual clutter, except for a photo or painting or two of a serene nature scene.

You are able to focus, you can crank out your tasks, and you can lower your level of stress.
It’s not hard. Here’s how:

• Clear papers. Take all the papers on your desk, and around your desk, and put them in your inbox. If they don’t fit, just put them in a single pile. Now go through that pile, one document at a time. Don’t put any document back on the pile — deal with it immediately, and then move on to the next document, until you’ve cleared the pile (this may take several sessions for some people). With each document, your choices are to 1) Trash; 2) Delegate; 3) File immediately, 4) Do it immediately; or 5) Put the action on your to-do list and the document in an “action” folder.
• Clear clutter. Now clear as much of the other stuff on your desk as possible. And it’s all possible. Knick knacks, post-its and phone messages (those should go in the inbox to be processed), most of your framed photos, folders, etc.
• Clear gear. You don’t need your office gear to be in sight. Put your pens, stapler, paper clips, digital camera, and any other assorted gear in a drawer, organized neatly. While you’re at it, clear out your drawers and only put in the essential stuff. It’s easier to keep organized that way.
• Clear the walls. Clear every scrap of paper and most of the artwork from your walls. You don’t want your surroundings to be too busy. Put one or two pieces of simple art on each wall.
• Have an inbox. Have one inbox on your desk, and have all incoming documents, notes, phone messages and other papers be put into this inbox. Process it to empty at least once a day, using the steps above. From here on out, don’t let any other papers clutter your desk except the one thing you’re working on.
• Simplify your computer. Clear your desktop of icons — it’s an inefficient way to launch documents or programs and organize yourself, and they’re just visual clutter. Clear everything from your menubar too, if possible. On your desktop, use a simple and serene picture as the background, and only have the document open that you’re currently working on. Turn off all email and IM notifications, and only do email at 2-3 set times a day. You don’t need all the interruptions.
• Simple filing system. Use a simple alphabetical filing system with plain manila folders. Have plenty of labels and empty folders on hand, so you have nothing stopping you from creating a new file quickly and filing a document. Don’t let your filing pile up.
• Edit, edit, edit. Once you’ve cleared the clutter, there’s usually still stuff you can clear away. Edit your surroundings. For each item in view, ask yourself, “Does this really need to be in view?” In most cases, the answer is no. Find a way to get it out of sight, or get rid of it. When you’ve gone through this process, do it again — you can usually still find ways to get something out of sight.
• Simple furniture. Go for the simplest furniture possible, a plain floor covering (solid-color wall-to-wall carpeting or undecorated hard-surface floors), bare windows or simple window coverings such as blinds, plain shelves and lamps if necessary.
• Simple decorations. Skip the bric-a-brac, and only have one or two simple decorations, such as a few flowers in a vase or a Zen garden.

Have suggestions for creating a Zen-like working environment? Let us know in the comments.
Courtesy LifeHack

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“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” - Red Buttons

Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Asha Dornfest of Parent Hacks
Parenting is equal parts skill and art. The skills — diaper changing, nightmare soothing, gentle encouragement, the “Look” (what I call that piercing glance that stops misbehaving children in their tracks) — can be learned well enough. But the art…now there’s the tricky part. We all have to find our own way with our children, and there are times when only another parent’s “I’ve been there” advice can point us in the right direction.

At Parent Hacks, we swap parenting tips we’ve stumbled on through experience (and sometimes dumb luck), often with a twist of the unconventional or the surprising solution. Parent Hacks is collecting all those hard-earned nuggets of wisdom in the hopes of building the ultimate “back fence” where parents can get real-world advice on the stuff that rarely makes it into the books and mags.

Leo’s asked me to round up twenty of the best tips at Parent Hacks, and, while it’s impossible to define “best” (so much wisdom and smart discussion!), I dug through the archives and came up with some favorites in a few Zen Habits-friendly categories:

Getting organized
The key to finding more time is to spend less time on the stuff that doesn’t matter. Getting rid of, or at least reducing, mental and physical clutter creates room for our goals and dreams, or, some days, simply an extra 15-minute tickle session with the kids.

• Follow the Law of Conservation of Toys. Create a simple trade-in system to keep toy clutter to a minimum. Read more.
• Match secondhand clothes before you leave the store. Create outfits to get the best value. Read more.
• Digitize your kid’s artwork and school papers to reduce clutter. Hang onto those art treasures without having to save all of the bulky paper. Read more.
• Over-the-door shoe organizer as small toy collector. A little tip with a big impact. Turns messy piles of Barbies, Beanie Babies, and action figures into sleek, easy-to-play-with collections. Read more.
• “Chore board” helps postpartum visitors help you. During those first couple weeks with a new baby, few of us have the brainpower to delegate tasks to well-meaning visitors. With this hack, you won’t have to. Read more.
• Fashion a no-build “closet” out of a curtain rod and a bookshelf. Keeping a kid’s room tidy is so much easier when everything has a place. This hack works well for kids’ clothes or for the dress-up collection. Read more.
• Keeping Lego sets organized: Ziplocs and cookie sheets. Everyone needs a good Lego hack. Read more.
• Getting organized: Do the small stuff NOW. Life with kids can feel like one distraction after another, and often, the little tasks we intend to do later never get done. Follow David Allen’s Getting Things Done.

Basic “kid optimization”
Teaching kids independence does more than create a mini household labor pool (although that’s certainly handy). Competence and problem-solving skills are the building-blocks of self-esteem and set the stage for a proactive, “can-do” adulthood.

• Help kids organize their own schedules. Draw up a simple paper schedule with cardstock tasks (homework, computer time, soccer practice, etc.) kids can arrange and tape to the schedule as they see fit. Not only does it help kids learn to organize their time, it teaches them the relative length of different tasks. Read more.
• Homemade ‘calendar’ helps preschoolers understand their weekly routines. Calendars and schedules are helpful for younger kids, too. Pictures help them internalize their weekly routines. Read more.
• ‘Toy library’ promotes cleanup AND creativity. A toy trade-in system is smart for many reasons: kids get in the habit of putting their toys away, toy clutter isn’t as much of a problem, and toys feel “new” after they’ve been out of circulation a while. Read more.
• Ticket system helps kids track their own TV and game time. “Screen time” is hard for many kids to regulate on their own, so it’s nice to have a fair and neutral system for agreeing on limits. It helps that this system is fun! Read more.
• Kitchen timer: Multi-purpose tool of the gods! Bedtime, homework time, any time is timer time. Read more.
• Do rewards kill motivation? This is less hack and more thought-provoking discussion. How does one teach a child to develop intrinsic motivation? Read more.

Attitude/mindset
No amount of life hacking will add minutes to your day, but thinking about those minutes differently may be the key to success.

• Tell strong-willed toddlers what they should DO. This simple twist on how to give directions may revolutionize how you communicate with your little one. Read more.
• Spouse hack: Work off the same to-do list. Good co-parenting requires good teamwork. Here’s a simple tip for staying on the same page. Read more.
• Getting organized: Start with your brain, sort of. Overthinking (my favorite form of procrastination) has killed many a good to-do list. Just get started already. Read more.
• Use Google Calendar to remind yourself to get a life. Sometimes the stuff that’s not on your calendar is the most important. Let your tools remind you to fulfill your goals and follow your dreams. Read more.
• ‘The Problem’ is the problem — not the kid. Every parent would do well to read this golden advice to be on your kid’s side, even when you disagree. Read more.
• Toward less perfectionist parenting. Most of the time in parenting, there are do-overs. Read more.

For more from Asha Dornfest, see her incredible blog, Parent Hacks or subscribe to the feed.
Also see: my guest post on Parent Hacks — Ten ways to find time for your family no matter how busy you are.

If you liked this article, please share it on del.icio.us, twitter, stumblupon or on Digg. I’d appreciate it.

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“So if we love someone, we should train in being able to listen. By listening with calm and understanding, we can ease the suffering of another person.” Thich Nhat Hanh

It’s Christmastime and it’s the season of giving … what are you giving your loved ones this year?

The holidays often mean giving a lot of gifts, sometimes expensive, but often we lose sight of what’s most important.

What gifts do your loved ones really want, whether they’re your children, your significant other, your parents, your friends, or other family members? Is it an expensive electronic item, or some other material or tangible item? Perhaps.

But the gifts I list below are more important. Sure, they might not be as fun to open on Christmas morning (or whatever other holiday you might celebrate), but in the long run, they’ll value these gifts more.

1. Your Presence. This means making it a priority to spend time with them — if they are truly important, you can make the time. You might have to change things in your life to make the time, but it’s worth it.

Beyond just making the time, though, you have to actually be present when you spend time with loved ones. That means learning to stay in the moment, rather than having your mind on other things, checking your iPhone or Blackberry every two minutes, or trying to take care of other tasks and chores while spending time with them. Instead, drop everything else and focus on being there with your loved ones — really listen, really have fun, really be present.

2. Your Love. This is perhaps an obvious one on the list, but it’s too important to gloss over. It’s imperative that you tell your loved ones that … well, that you love them. Regularly. But just as important is that you actually show them you love them, in your actions every day, throughout the day. Hugs, intimacy, smiles, doing kind things for them, considering their needs and feelings … just little things that mean a lot.

3. Your Compassion. How is this different than giving the gift of your love? Well, it’s possible to love someone and not show compassion. For example, we parents often discipline our children and love them at the same time … but often compassion is even more important than discipline.

Compassion is finding empathy with your loved one … trying to see things from their eyes, trying to understand what they’re going through … and then doing your best to be kind and to end their suffering and to make them happier. Read more.

4. A Voice. We can give so much just by paying attention to a loved one, and really listening, and showing that we’re interested in what they have to say, and showing that what they say is important and respected. Too often our children or spouse might talk to us but are only met with a disinterested nod or other small acknowledgment, or we’ll make light or fun of what they say, as if it’s not important. But giving a person a voice, and showing that their words matter, will have a long-lasting different in their lives.

5. A Healthy Lifestyle. When you spend time with your loved one, try to do so while enjoying a healthy and fun activity, such as going on a hike, playing a sport, tossing around a Frisbee, going for a walk or jog, doing some yardwork, and so on. When you get together to eat, try to eat healthy foods. Make the habits of good health a part of your lifestyle, and encourage your loved ones to do the same — it could save their lives.

6. Your Belief in Them. Simply believing in another person, and showing that in your words and in your deeds, can make a huge difference. Studies of people who grew up in dysfunctional homes but who grew up to be happy and successful show that the one thing they had in common was a significant adult who believed in them. Do this for your child, and for the adult loved ones in your life as well. Support their dreams and passions and hobbies. Participate with them. Be nothing but encouraging. Be their greatest cheerleader. Whether they actually accomplish these dreams or not, your belief is of unlimited importance to them.

“Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.” - the Dalai Lama

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